


Puerto Rican Weapon

by AnimeXIII, DreamingFandoms



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: He is a living Weapon, Immortal Fake AH Crew, M/M, Multi, Ray is an Emotionless Fuck, Ray works for the Government, Ray's Past, This is kinda like Twin Skeletons, fem!Jack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-05-08 01:16:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5477819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnimeXIII/pseuds/AnimeXIII, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingFandoms/pseuds/DreamingFandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The government has create the most powerful weapon possible: Experiment Br0wnman420 , aka Ray Narvaez Jr. He destroys criminal gangs by order of the government. His current mission: assassinate Geoff Ramsey, leader of the most powerful gang in Los Santos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray gets kidnapped during his mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONCE AGAIN.  
> A New story.
> 
> THIS TIME IT'S NOT MY FAULT.  
> It's XIII's.  
> Most of this is HER idea.  
> from this Tumblr post http://animexiii.tumblr.com/post/135422853378/fahc-headcanon-story-thingy
> 
> Not mine.  
> though some things i thought of come into play.  
> this time.  
> I am the lazy one who did nothing to come up with this...
> 
> ~DF

Ray watched quietly through the scope of his sniper. His target was in sight. It'd be easy. He was drunk, most of the people nearby were, they wouldn't notice the bullet, his eyes faintly glowed as he started to line up the shot. He didn't realize there was a person behind him until the gun had hit his head.

His vision swam, colors blurred together, he felt someone pick him up and didn't try to struggle. Voices hummed around him, as he was carried somewhere. 

His blurring reality went black.

......................................................

His hearing focused onto noise around him, someone was talking.

"He isn't in any public records, couldn't find anythin' about 'im." European accent, most likely British.

"Well, this fuckin' asshole tried ta shoot Geoff. Someone musta sent 'im!" New York, no, New Jersey. 

Ray's mind went through his mission notes that he memorized hours before. A Brit and a Jerseyite meant that Ramsey's crew was here.

A door opened, silencing the two, Ray kept his breathing even to trick them into believing he was asleep.

"He's still asleep?" A voice cracked, Ramsey himself, he heard a chair scraping against the ground, the man was taking a seat.

"Yeah, fucker barely even moved." The Jerseyian said in a loud tone, Ray went over the files that he had memorized hours before. Loud, curses more than a sailor, a Jersey Native, this must be Michael Jones aka Jersey Devil. Explosions Expert, highly resistant to pain, Expert Kickboxer and Boxer.

"It's kinda creepy, it is!" Gavin Free aka Trickster, hacker, UK Native, silver tongue, and resident fool.

"Says the one who has a disembodied head in a jar."

"Oi! Don't make fun of Charles!"

"Charles? You named the thing?!"

"Shut up! Both of you!" Geoff snapped, Ray could feel the annoyance flowing off of him. "We're supposed to be interrogating this asshole!"

They quieted down, grumbling at each other. Geoff sighed and sat back.

"Gav, wake him up." The kingpin ordered, Ray heard shuffling as the hacker came closer. 

He sensed a hand going for his shoulder and he stopped it before it could touch.

"Don't."

Gavin sqwauked, flailing, he hid behind his boi's smaller frame. The redhead and Geoff jumped in suprise of their prisoner being awake.

Ray looked at them with lidded eyes, his unblinking gaze made shivers go down their spines. They sensed something was _different_ about him, something that separated him from normal assassins rival gangs sent.

"Who-what are you?" Geoff commanded, his boys were in danger, the reason tied up infront of him. "Who sent you?"

"I am experiment Br0wnman420 aka Ray Narvaez Jr. I am a living weapon, created by the United States Government to eliminate threats to the system." Ray repeated the words that were ingrained into his brain since he first opened his eyes and saw the white coated scientists that created him. His first memories were fuzzy, destroyed by the very ones that made him a creation of mass destruction. 

Geoff was slack-jawed, the two lads on each side of him exchanged wide eyed looks.

"W-who's your target?" Gavin stuttered, doing his best not to tense as the cold _dead_ eyes turned briefly towards him.

"Geoffrey Lazer Ramsey, Leader of the largest criminal gang in Los Santos."

Geoff eyebrows disappeared into his hairline, his moustache twitching as the deceivingly small man infront of them placed a gun on the table. When did he untie the rope?!

"My mission is absolute."

"Wait." Geoff stopped Ray. "Do you want to do this."

The experimentation halted, and tilted his head. "I do not understand. What is this 'Want'?"

Geoff looked taken aback. "You don't know what that is?!"

Ray just blinked, for the first time during the whole interrogation.

Geoff leaned back and shook his head. "You." He pointed at Ray. "You are going to stay with us." 

"But! Isn't he gonna kill you!" Gavin chirped, flailing an arm.

"Are you?" Geoff asked Ray, who showed a hint of emotion and began to think.

Ray had been in the government's hold since he was small. They didn't tell him what had happened before his time there, forcing him to kill an innocent business man. He had watched with slowly clouding eyes, as they used his abilities to murder people they considered a threat to them, turning more corrupt with each kill.

"The government is... evil. They... will fall to their greed." Ray looked back up, and Geoff saw a flash of child like innocence. "I do not wish to be under their control."

Geoff nodded. "Good, you can stay with us. If you want?"

"Yes, I... want... to."

Geoff stood up and clapped his hands together. "Alright! First things first. Do you have anything that the government can track you with?"

Ray nodded and pointed at his shoulder. "A tracker close to the joint."

"Okay. We'll need to get that removed, I'll call someo-!"

Ray was already in the prossess of taking off his standard black shirt.

"What are you doing?!" Gavin squealed. 

"Removing the tracker." Ray took hold of his bicep.

"But you need a kni-!"

Ray ripped open his arm with a squelch, not even blinking as the limb dangled and blood splattered everywhere. 

Gavin gagged at the sight of bone and hid his face in Michael's neck.

Ray dug his uninjured arm's hand into the open tear, squelching sounded out as he took out the tiny tracker.

"What are you doing?!" Geoff screeched. 

"Taking out the tracker."

"You didn't have to rip your fucking arm off!"

"How else was I supposed to?"

"Not like that! Oh shit! You're bleeding out! Quick, someone get a towel!"


	2. Guns and Arrows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys see how well Ray handles a gun.

"He's so cute!" Jackie squealed, hugging the assassin and rubbing her cheek against his. "Can we keep him?!"

Ray blinked, not reacting to the woman that seemed to be squeezing the life out of him. Jackie cooed at his soft hair and small frame, her big bossom smothering him.

Geoff chuckled, eyebrow twitching as he watched his right hand woman suffocate their new team mate with her boobs. "Sure, just don't kill him before we get a chance to see what he can do."

"But, he's sooo adorable!" The pilot squashed his face against her chest again. "I'm gonna give him candy and treats and dress him up in cute dresses!"

Michael and Gavin glanced at eachother with stiff smiles. It was hard to believe that a highly trained assassin was currently getting smothered by their pseudo mum. Ray didn't show signs of attacking her, his arms at his sides as he let the tall woman crush him.

Caleb stood to the side with a smile, his tall assistant standing as his ever silent guard. He had patched up Ray, the snug bandages wrapped around his stitched and stapled shoulder. 

Jack hummed and hugged him closer. "How did you find him?"

Geoff laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head with a sheepish smile. "He kinda was sent by the government to...kill me."

The ginger blinked. "He was sent."

"Yes."

"By the government."

"Yeah."

"To kill you."

"Yep."

Silence. Then fist against flesh.

"OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" Geoff held his aching stomach. 

"How could you make such a poor innocent baby go after you?!" Jack turned away from the kingpin and went back to coddling Ray. "Just look at him! He's too innocent and cute to hurt a fly, aren't you snoogums?"

Ray mumbled incoherently from the boobs of doom.

"See!"

Ryan sighed, he had a feeling that the new guy being here would be interesting. 

................................

"Okay, first is your marksmenship." Geoff pointed at the row of moving targets a mile away from where they were standing. "Get as close to a bull'seye on them with each gun."

Ray nodded and picked up a 9mm and aimed. The rest of the crew stood back with binoculars. 

"Five bucks he doesn't hit the target." Gavin murmured to his Master. Michael snorted but nodded.

Ray stood still as a statue, the crew wasn't even sure he was still breathing. He twitched as his gun went off, several times in succession.

"No fucking way." Michael breathed, the others in similar states of shock.

Perfect hits. Each and every one of them, directly between the eyes. 

Ray set down the gun and picked up a glock. He aimed and fired. Same place, the holes were slightly bigger. 

Ray set it down and repeated the process, aim and fire. Every gun he used varied in weight and sized, but he held them more comfortably than even the Vagabond. 

He set down the sniper, his best hit yet, and picked up the standard bow. The crew stared as he notched an arrow and fired.

They were in awe and slight fear as the arrow went through a targets throat then another split that one.

Ray lowered the bow and turned to Geoff for further orders.

"Uh...I think...we're done for the day." The kingpin looked like he was going to pass out, Gavin did it for him.

......................................

"Command Fire. Hit the area that we say." Geoff cleared his throat, still shakened by yesterday's events. "Choose a weapon."

Ray picked up the sniper and crouched, already aiming.

"Uh, let's start with the head." Geoff barely finished his sentence before a bullet went cleanly through the target's forehead.

The crew glanced at eachother.

"Eye." Hit.

"Neck." Hit.

"Shoulders." Hit.

"Heart." Hit.

"Thighs." Hit.

"Right pinkie finger." Ryan suddenly said, Ray didn't hesitate before firing. A direct hit.

"Knees." Hit.

"Right forearm." Hit.

The others blinked, what the hell is with this guy?

Geoff looked up in thought for another body part but Gavin shouted one for him.

"His knob!" Ray didn't even blink, the bullet went through the target's groin.

"WHAT THE FUCK! HOW ARE YOU NOT MISSING?!" Michael seethed.

Ray shrugged and lowered the sniper.

"We're done, go rest up." Geoff groaned, Ray nodded once and left them to their thoughts.

"Bloody top, he is!" Gavin smiled, Jack nodded.

"He's better than Ryan." Michael snarked, the mad man reluctantly agreed.

"What can he do?" Jack wondered, her adorable little RayRay was so talented! 

"Better question is, what can he not do?" Michael grumbled, armd crossed over his chest. 

"Good question." Geoff had a hand to his chin, he had an Idea. "Why don't we find out?"

The others blinked in confusion.

"Let's give him individual tests." Geoff elaborated. "We each come up with something for him to do and see how well he does it."

They glanced at eachother, that seems like a good idea.

"Alright, let's do it. Jackie can go first, give him something easy to do!" Gavin grinned, they agreed.

Time to see what their new team mate can do!


	3. Criminal Tests #1: Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray has to fly a jet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapters are upon us.

"Alright, my little RayRay, fly this jet through those bridges." Jack smooshed the man's head into her breast.

The assassin nodded and got into the jet. The others went ontop of their mansion to watch, Geoff nodded and gave Ray the order.

The small male checked his instruments, after making sure everything was fine, he raised the jet into the air.

"Smooth take off." Ryan noted, arms crossed over his leather clad chest. 

Ray brought the aircraft into a smooth arc as he flew to the unfinished bridges the crew had stopped the city from building. He didn't hesitate tobarrel roll over a small one before corkscrewing through another.

"HHe's pretty good at this." Gavin hummed, standing next to his Master. Michael nodded and fixed the Brit's button shirt.

"He takes after his mother!" Jackie squealed, her adorable little boy was so talented.

Ray dipped and flew right to a bridge, pulling up at the last second. He did flips and hard tricks that Jack would have trouble with easily. 

"I think that does it, Ray come on back." Geoff sighed, this test was a failure. 

"Roger that." Ray turned the jet around and landed smoothly, he checked his instruments before getting out, only to be bear hugged by Jack.

"You were so amazing, RayRay!" Jackie's chest was becoming well acquainted with Ray's face.

The Puerto Rican let her smother him, he was glad for his lung training, or else he would've died by her first hug.

The others glanced at eachother and nodded, Geoff sighed at the gazes.

Looks like he's up next.


	4. Criminal Test #2: Geoff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I don't really have an excuse for not posting in almost a year.

Infiltrate LSPD and take the updated Maize Bank codes from the vault.

_Ray walked out of his place in the shadows behind a cop finishing his smoke break, he kept to the side until the man closed the door then proceeded to snap his neck. Dragging the body over to an unused closet and stole his uniform, putting his cap low over his eyes as he glanced up at the cameras._

"Doesn't have a care in the world, does he." Jack murmured, all of the Fakes standing or sitting around their livingroom, starting at holoscreens that showed the camera feeds of LSPD Headquarters. Gavin sat on an armchair, hands hovering over more holoscreens to control what angles the others saw.

_Ray used the man's keycard to walk into the main building. Going passed several other policemen that mumbled greetings to their so called 'colleague' as the Hispanic made his way towards the Archives._

"He knows how their system works." Geoff replied, sitting in his recliner, the two other Gents flanking him. Michael walked over with a tray and set it infront of him, pouring aged scotch into a glass with some Coke, before passing the glass over to the elder. "He'll know exactly what to do in there."

_Ray strolled passed two guards with a flick of his fake badge he carved earlier the week. They let him through without much of a glance, the LSPD staff was getting more and more lazy with each new rookie. Most had probably gotten in from bribes at the Academy._

"Clear Michael's schedule on Friday." Geoff spoke up, swirling his drink as another holoscreen appeared. On it was the Crew's weekly planner, Michael's Friday was erased. "I want him to test out the new pigs, it's no fun when they don't fight back."

Said man grinned darkly as he passed around the other's drinks. The LSPD would need new hires in the upcoming week, a good window for more moles to be planted. Their Syndicate would be happy things were running ahead of time.

_Ray walked into the basement of the building, into Archives were several workers never see the sun. The aformentioned zombie hermits followed him with their eyes, one of their moles nodding minutely in respect. They wouldn't interfere with a higher up's mission, only sit back and wait for orders if necessary._

_The Hispanic headed deeper into the Archives, the massive room cut off to a door on the far corner, there it lead to the guarded hallway of the vault. Ray pressed against the wall by the door, peaking in to see 6 guards. Looked easy enough, even Gavin would be able to take them out. The only problem was how; either charge in and risk getting shot, giving them a chance to call for backup, or do it in a way they'd least expect._

"Is that...a robot Shiba Inu...?" Ryan was the first to speak up, all five of them stared at the holoscreen. Geoff snapped his fingers at Gavin and the Brit switched cameras into the hallway. Giving a clear view of the small bronze dog, the size of a softball, making its way through a crack in the door.

_The guards were on alert, but gapped in confusion as the robodog yipped up at them, its wheeled feet skating slowly across the tile. The tiny thing stopped infront of them and barked, its tail wagging slowly with audible squeaking. They lowered their guns and immediately regretted it as their heads exploded. Ray stood in the doorway with a silenced pistol. The robodog yapped and was deactivated, put back into Ray's Weapon Wheel._

"Well, then." Jack chuckled, Ryan shook his head silently beside the woman, rolling his eyes. Gavin made a note to ask for the blueprints later, Michael taking a seat on one of his armrests to watch the show. Geoff raised an eyebrow at the method, but didn't question it, they all had done alot worse.

_Ray desummoned his gun and walked forward, not glancing at the bodies as he stood infront of the vault door. One quick code scrambler later, and it was opening with a hiss. The Hispanic propped the door open with a body, and headed inside. Money and wepons were stacked everywhere, but Ray only grabbed the required file from a cabinet and was on his way._

_Ray left the lower level and headed back upstairs, using the entrance he came from to get back to his bike then sped off._

"Mission was a success; 0% failure rate, 7 casualties." Gavin summarized, the holoscreens vanishing, only one remaining to show an option list for Geoff. Three boxes were labeled: Success, Failure, Destroy. Geoff had to push one to mark it officially.

The Kingpin knocked back the rest of his drink and tapped the screen, Success flashed green and the screen changed to Ray's new criminal record. His first mission was typed out and archived as completed.

The elevator opened and said man walked in, still in the stolen uniform, he passed over the file then stood in parade rest. "Your next orders, sir."

"Mm...go get some rest. Your next test is tomorrow." Geoff waved him off, the Hispanic nodded and left the room. It was silent before Geoff yawned widely, scratching his mustache, silently wondering if he should shave it.

"Ryan, you're up next."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank Songbird_Stories771 for kicking my ass into creating this chapter and planning many more for my other ones.


End file.
